The nanny hunt

In a town where everyone knows everyone, and where you've got family, finding childcare is easy. We simply used my sister's trusted childminder, knowing Lady P would be in good hands and would have the added bonus of spending more time with her cousins. When we needed a couple of extra days, we used the daughter of a friend's childminder, who happened to live on our street. Lady P was well cared for and I didn't have a moment's doubt or worry about what she was up to while I was at work.

Moving to a new town is not so easy. We have asked friends who live nearby, and found a couple of word-of-mouth recommendations that way. But, LA being LA, they were either too far away or too expensive. Or both.

So we turned to the internet. I signed up for SitterCity, where childcare professionals place their references and resumes for members' perusal. Meanwhile TLOML surfed Craig's List.

While I was scrutinising the credentials of 24 year old nannies in West LA, TLOML stumbled upon this brilliant Craig's List ad. I tweeted this a few days ago, but in case you missed it and in case he's been snapped up and removed his ad, here's the spiel. In full.

Words are his own, or possibly those of his agent. Italics are mine.

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NANNY / BODY GUARD COMBO (LA / Beaches / Southbay / Hollywood)

Ex-Military Intelligence, Ex Law Enforcement Officer who is magic with children and animals seeks position with high-profile family with high-quality needs. 6'4", blue-eyed, powerful, freakishly intelligent, world traveled, multi-language, one-man-army, kind, caring mountain-of-a-man. You get the benefit of my magic with children, 183 IQ as well as being extremely aware of all surrounding, my natural protective nature, extreme level of honesty & integrity as well as many, many other skill packages. No messy tax issues or paperwork, looking to work in a subcontractor capacity. Seeking MINIMUM of $120K per year with options for bonuses. Languages include Russian, German, Spanish and working basics in 20 or more languages. Qualified expert in all weapons I have come in contact with, both foreign and domestic. Extremely proficient martial arts. Very active and enjoy activities such as speed skating, power skateboarding, riding wild sharks it the open ocean, skiing, SCUBA, snorkeling, hiking... My friends don't say I am honest, they say I am DISGUSTINGLY honest. My friends say to have me as a friend, is to have a million-dollar-friendship. I do love and marriage counseling on the side and have co-pastored a church in the past. Military and pastoral references available. Our nation bestowed its highest security clearances on me and trusted me with its most sensitive secrets, you can trust me with your children and privacy in all ways.

Search terms: Elite, Best, Professional, celebrity, personal protection, Russian, German, Spanish, Latin, bullet proof, child, children, safety, privacy, private, personal assistant, escort, alarm, GPS, tracking, au pair, aupair,   

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Yes, $120k is a bit of a stretch. He's up against a $12/hour Brazilian girl named Daniele with excellent references. But she can't ride a wild shark to save her life. So the jury's still out on our final choice of nanny.

Seven days and counting

Seven days till we move into the Sugar Cube, and counting. Literally.

I am marking off each day that we have to spend in our temporary flat with great delight.

It's not that this is such a terrible place to be. It's in a great location, four blocks from the pier in downtown Hermosa Beach. We can walk to everywhere we want to be from here. The flat is also comfortable and well equipped.

TLOML and I each have our own spaces to work in. They are close enough together that we never have to shout to get one other's attention.

My desk is the table, his is the sofa

And TLOML's office space is conveniently located next to where we park Lady P's buggy, making it handy for a fast getaway for them both.

Yes, that is a Car & Driver you see in TLOML's office lobby

 ...and her buggy is parked up a nice short distance away from her play area, so there's not too far to carry her when we get home.

Note the Fisher Price ipad cover, now filled with a picture torn out of National Geographic. She doesn't know any better.

Practical and useful though it is, there are some drawbacks. For starters, someone is sleeping in what should be our walk-in, forcing us to use our suitcases as wardrobes.

Lady P's little tiny bedroom. Please don't call Social Services.

Also, well, it's not home. We're camping out here - and we'll be camping out in the Sugar Cube too, till our container arrives in March. But that's different. Here we have to put newspaper down when Lady P is eating, so we don't spoil the owner's rug. In the Sugar Cube she can mush all the banana she wants into the brick floor, and we can wipe it clean lovingly, knowing it will be the first of many thousands of times we will wipe that lovely brick floor clean.

Here we have to push the owner's stuff aside, or lift it up out of Lady P's reach, and to make space for ourselves. In the Sugar Cube we will have an awful lot of space and no furniture or tchotchkes and knick knacks to push aside. Instead, we'll have a big blank canvas onto which we can imagine our future. And of course to begin the lengthy debate about where to put the TV. I can't wait.

My love/laugh relationship with America

As in, not 'love / hate', but 'love / laugh at'.

There's a lot about America I love.

Like being given a glass of iced water the moment you sit down in a restaurant. Or getting a pickle with a really great sandwich.

Or those lovely mid century civic buildings - like the Hermosa City Hall building, which reminds me of the library and City Hall in Malibu, and is probably an identikit model of hundreds of public buildings across the US.

 And, of course, the abundance of cheap Mexican food.

And then there are the things which make me - and I'm sorry to say it - laugh at America. Laugh, shake my head, even despair a little.

Like the way you write your road signs back-to-front because... why is that? Your people can't read more than one word at a time? You don't know to start at the top and work down, like the rest of the world?

Back me up here, rest of the world, it's weird, isn't it?

Von's

Ah, American supermarkets. Here I am again. Thank god, not in a Gristedes. Sadly, not in a Whole Foods either. I'm in a Von's, which is a pretty bogstandard US supermarket. So I know what to expect.

The apples are enormous.

My pen, added for scale

The eggs are stored in a fridge. And most of them are a horrid pearly white.

The steaks are pre-cut to a thickness our old Saltburn butcher would find ridiculous.

And finding sweetcorn without added salt or sugar is the stuff of a madman's dreams. I might need to start shopping at Whole Foods to keep Lady P in the low-crap diet she is used to.

But at least I'll never need to grate my own cheese again.

Phew

Househunting:

After months of searching online, and debating our criteria (3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, outside space, since you ask) we were all fired up for the actual househunt.

So we hit the ground running: we hadn't even been in the country 24 hours before we viewed our first potential home.

Described as a 'Tree Section Gem', it was in fact a rather small, dark, tatty old house. It certainly is in the highly sought after 'Tree Section', but 'gem', it aint. After that we viewed a dishwasher-free home a block from the beach. And a bonkers salmon-pink house where the kitchen and the dining room were on different floors. And a couple of very practical but totally soulless townhomes. We saw some bigger houses in Redondo but decided it wasn't the right vibe for us. And a couple of larger homes which were just the wrong side (i.e. East) of Route 1 for us.

It's starting to sound like I'm picky, doesn't it? In fact, TLOML has told me I am just that. But it's not all nitpicking.

In addition to all those flawed properties, there are a couple we really like. One is a small, but perfectly formed beach cottage, 3 blocks from the beach. Despite that it doesn't meet my '2 bathrooms and a little yard' criteria, it's so darn cute, and so very near the beach, that I would definitely compromise. And the moment TLOML heard the surf, from the front doorstep, he was ready to move in.

The other place is on the most wholesome street I've ever seen. Kids climbing trees, white picket fences, and all that stuff. It has a yard, too. And two bathrooms. It has a jolly yellow door and olive and lemon trees (you'd think I'd have learnt my lesson with the fruit trees, wouldn't you?). But it lacks the ocean breeze.

On reflection, I think Malibu really ruined us for life. We have been saying 'We really don't need to be right on the beach' for a while now. And we've been saying 'Let's rent a place with enough space for us to really settle into, so we don't outgrow it before we're ready to move.' And yet, here we are, seduced into a tiny cottage by the ocean breeze.

When it comes down to it, though, the little house with the yellow door is probably a better long term option. There's space there for Lady P to learn to ride a bike and for me to grow vegetables, and for TLOML to grow his business. Fingers crossed we get the place, because I am fully smitten.

Though if it doesn't work out, and we end up squishing into the little cottage by the beach, I think that would work out too.